Why Paul Brown Stadium Sucks

After 31 years, I finally gave in. I looked into the mirror and said “why not? You deserve to treat yourself to an NFL game and watch one of the most exciting young quarterbacks in the league.” It was in that moment that I had decided to attend my first ever NFL game, and witness Joe Burrow in-person as the Cincinnati Bengals took on the Cleveland Browns on November 6th, 2021. Our city’s NFL franchise has long been the laughing stock of the NFL and has gotten by solely on sucking gobs of money out of not only their miserable fanbase, but also the Hamilton County taxpayer. It’s hard to really nail down how much Mike Brown and his cabal of family members/Bengals executives have milked the taxpayer for, but in 2016 the number was already up to $920 million. I’m sure that number has grown when you fast forward to present-day 2021.

But despite all the red flags and hate for the Brown family, two friends and I purchased some $95 dollar tickets in section 344, the upper deck of Paul Brown Stadium. Prior to this, the only times I ever graced this dumpster fire of a stadium was 1) when Billy Graham came to Cincinnati in 2002 and 2) when UC used PBS in 2014 when Nippert was being renovated. I have no idea why my mom dragged a 12-year-old me to witness Billy Graham, because we weren’t really a religious family growing up. But by God, my first ever experience with Paul Brown Stadium was hearing an evangelical sermon. That alone should’ve been the omen to avoid this stadium like the plague, but I guess I’m a slow learner.

Like many, my relationship with the NFL and football in general has been complicated over the years. It’s an extremely dangerous sport for those who play it and some football fan bases can be extremely toxic. The way the NFL handled Colin Kaepernick was extremely disappointing and that incident alone left a bad taste in many people’s mouths. I personally have always enjoyed college football a bit more than the NFL, but that level of the sport has its own flaws. For years, colleges, universities and the NCAA have exploited the labor of unpaid college students in order to make billions of dollars for already wealthy white men. In return, the players got some free college classes, free meals at the dining hall and an 8X8 dorm room that they had to share with another grown adult. At least the NFL players are unionized and are receiving fair pay for their work. But finally in the year 2021, college players are now able to profit off of their image and likeness, but it’s still not enough. College players deserve to be compensated for the revenue they bring in for their respective universities and I hope that compensation comes sooner rather than later.

But getting back to the NFL, I finally pulled the trigger and decided to attend my first Bengals game. I would never describe myself as a die-hard Bengals fan. More of a tepid fan, paying attention to them when they’re doing well and completely ignoring them when they’re God awful. So, to see Joe Burrow in action was enticing to me. Leading up to November 6th, the Bengals dropped a game to the lowly Jets but I figured they’d be able to rebound against an average Browns team. As we are all well aware, the Bengals ended up getting blown out by the Browns and Joe Burrow spent most of the game lying on his back because the 350-pound dudes on the offensive line couldn’t block to save their lives. But that’s beside the point; the result on the field was disappointing but what was even worse was the entire gameday and fan experience at Paul Brown Stadium.

First of all, you can tell this is a stadium that was built by the lowest bidder. Since the Brown family had the taxpayers foot the entirety of the bill, the stadium is about as bare bones as you can get. It’s cavernous and disjointed, unlike any other stadium I’ve been to before. It took us a good 20 minutes to find our seats, aimlessly wondering around because we foolishly thought you could just walk around in a circle and you’d find your section eventually. We were wrong. We took the notorious escalator to nowhere and then ended up having to walk back down because the signage around the stadium was just so poor. Once we ended up figuring out where we needed to go, we had to walk up some never-ending ramp that seemed to go on forever. Finding our seats was like hunting for hidden treasure, but I just chalked it up to us not being familiar with the stadium and not planning ahead. But that wasn’t the end of our poor experience. Everything just appeared to be low-budget, including the pathetic new “tunnel” the players run out of as well as the premade videos that are made to get the fans hyped up. For some reason, on that day only the defensive starters were introduced on the video board, but there were no introductions or videos for the offensive starters. As a person who showed up primarily to see Joe Burrow play, it made me scratch my head.

Regardless, the three of us remained steadfast in trying to enjoy an actual NFL game in live and living color. By halftime, the Browns were up 24 to 10 but we remained optimistic that just maybe the Bengals would turn it around in the second half. My friend Tom decided he needed to stave off the anxiety and depression associated with being a Bengals fan and headed over to the nearest concession stand to buy a Pepsi and some popcorn. My other buddy and I stayed in our seats to play on our phones during halftime since there is no halftime entertainment for the fans. We did not see our friend Tom return until the beginning of the 4th quarter. He stood in line at a concession stand for over 45 minutes and he missed the entirety of the 3rd quarter. At that point, we knew the experience was not worth the $95 ticket cost. I can purchase UC football tickets for a much lower price and actually have university employees treat me like they value my time and money. After attending a Bengals game in-person, it was evident that Mike Brown treats the fans just like he treats the Hamilton County taxpayer: squeezing every ounce of money out of them while giving them nothing of value in return.

The contract that allows the Bengals to use Paul Brown Stadium, which is owned by Hamilton County, expires in 2026.  This begs the question, should we let the Bengals walk away for bleeding the fans and county out of every penny possible with nothing to show for it? My gut is telling me absolutely, what would we be losing? What has the Brown family ever done for our region? The only thing we’d be losing is another opportunity for a rich white man to increase his wealth at the expensive of the taxpayer. And keep in mind, anyone can flip on a TV from the comfort of their own home and they’d get a much better experience than anything you’d get in-person at Paul Brown Stadium. Economists say publicly owned stadiums are a giant waste of money and their economic impact is minimal. I will be curious to see what Mike Brown and his band of misfit, executive children ask the taxpayers for when the contract expires in 2026. If the Brown family ends up asking for substantial amounts of taxpayer money, I say we tell them to kick rocks. They can leave their Indian Hill mansions behind in search of another city that they can bamboozle.